Wednesday, October 19, 2005
it been like erm 1 and a half month since i last blog?? man... time sure flies... and it have not been a great time... my studies sucks.... haiz... in any case... since i haven been blogging... i oso haven came in my own blog myself.... in which to my surprise there were pple posting comment on my last entry and in the tag board.... 1stly it was esther.c haha... seriously.. i tot she had long forgotten me... well cuz we were nvr close... then who is lucy??? haha... aiyo~~.. in any case... since i haven been bloging... i bet almost noone will read this entry as most will not come in my blog anymore... hmmm... well... i shall go and spend my life to the fullest... till the result is out... but i know for sure... i will retain...
Posted at 01:21 pm by Yingmujielun
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Monday, September 05, 2005
time sure have flied.... 6 months... 6 months since that day (note: my blog song is "since that day" in case u dunno) i was sick... in my long absence... things happened... i knew it did... i just din voice it out... but now... 6 months later... i discovered what i missed out... why... why did it happened... though it was 6 month back.. it still stinged my heart i admit... took note of those days.... and i return to read a few things tt was kept since tt day... now i truly understand what it means... though minor details are still lacking... doshite... also... went back to read my blog entry on that day...
i saw... me... a hidous me... trying hard to hide myself.... from being exposed of my fragile state... i wrote... long and lotsa stuff that was not impt... i knew what was on my mind... i wanted to pour my soul out... but i can't... i couldn't let people know... of how sad i was... how easily my heart could have been broken... the entry also indicate how insecured i felt... i know that feeling insecure is not the way for me to be... i shld be a real man... and be confident and all... yet now... now that i realised "that" i felt so right to be so insecured... how many more... how many more things have i NOT know??
i feel so sad for the me 6 months back... but i know... you wouldn't understand a single thing.
Posted at 11:29 pm by Yingmujielun
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Thursday, August 25, 2005
"u noe wad..I shld have stay longer..And u shld have gone home earlier..Save all the shit"
received this msg from u not long after i went apart from u... ironic... if u had wanted to save all this shit... then why... tell me... u still insisted in keeping mum about tt small matter.... especially after i gave u lots of signs of trouble.... aside tt... why do u only know of running away from it... i was totally disagreeing ur msg when i receive it... haiz... nvm.... after tt whne im home... u called me... i wasnt there... so i called back... u told me u are sorry.... tho i nvr ask... but i wonder.... wonder what are u sorry for.... which part of the day are u sorry abt.....
when with u in the bus.... i reallie wanted to hug u... in case u do not know... the further i am from u... the more i yearn to be embracing u... with ur warm and love....and when im near... i wish... u would hug me even more tightly.... i could just jump onto u... and hold on to u tightly... however during tt time... u doesnt seem to want it... so i try my best to remain apart from u pretend as if i didnt want it...however in my heart.... im wishing... reallie wishing hard.... that u would come to me with your hands ard me...take my hand... touch my face... let me feel... ur embrace... let me see... in ur eyes.. that u... love me... but it nvr came.... disapointed.... sad....
And then... u cried.... i hug u close to me... i want to at least cry in my embrace... i dun want u to cry alone... i dun like it when u cried.... it hurts me alot... i would rather bang my head on the wall forever then to know that u are crying.... bcuz that would be less painful.... my heart was feeling so heavy during tt ride back to ur hse... no matter how many time i breathe in to let the air out by sighing heavily... it just feel tt heavy... all bcuz u were crying... and crying... it signified alot of negative feelings... how u are feeling actually did matters to me alot ... when u lay ur head toward the front... at tt moment... i fear for the worst... i am scared u were crying again... tt was why i pull u up to check on u... it was not bcuz tt i din want u to lie down... even though i am useless even if i knew tt u were crying... but at least let me dry ur tears... seeing u in that state... let me wonder... what in ur mind.... tell me how u feel... i dunno what u are thinking anymore..
My mind... at that time... was hoping tt u show me me signs of love.... i wish... if u need me .. u kiss me and tell me how u feel... and if u want me... show it to me.... if u love me.... hold me in ur embrace... where i hope tt i belonged... but then... i was hurt by certain thing at tt time... that it was difficult for me to even be there... sitting beside in at the back of the bus... tots of running away... leaving u... getting down the bus... did came across my mind... but.. i couldnt do it... i couldnt leave u alone at that state... maybe it only me... but what if u cried again... in an even more disastrous manner... i could not leave u... i myself... wanna stay beside u... for as long as i can.. even in such an frustating moment... i could not gather all my courage or whatever... to say... "I don't care" even if i dun mean it.... like what u did... and when u did it.... i... i........... u have no idea..... i love u way too much.... im scared... i cant lose u....
there would be one situation that i would do it... to leave u in the bus alone... but luckily... it did not come... with all my might... i stopped it from happening... there are moment that i fell silent... even once in the middle of our conversation... to control it... from happening... i didnt i wanna cry.. in front of u...say im acting strong or what i dun care.... i jus dun wanna worry u.... tho sometime... i was silent just because i did not know what to say anymore... sometime i wish i could be stronger...in every aspect for u....
when we passed by my stopped... u asked me... if i wanna go home and let u continue the journey alone... but how can i do that??? and u saying that no point sending u home liao... maybe u dun understand... however the situation may be... i would alway... in my heart... wanna be with u.... for myself.... for the love of u... and for you.... to be there for u.. to protect u... even tho sometime it seem u need protection from me... haiz.... and also... i was thinking about something... later when i send u home.... however when we reached... u told me tt it no need for me to send u all the way into the lift.... but i did... bcuz.. i was planning... to plant a kiss on ur forehead.... tt kiss is most probably one of most impt kiss i give u... at that moment.... i was scared... that could be the last i give u... it was my last sign of love b4 u leave me.... it was.. a kiss with sincernity from the bottom of my heart... that i.. need you.... a kiss... to my darling girl......
tho i dun blog regularly as compared to some pple... but this entry is the most difficult to write.... as i have to control myself from crying... while blogging... i dun wanna cry alone either... tt loniness... pathetic feelings.... missing ur hug at the same time... sad... that all these have to happen... one day b4 tt day... tml... the day that.... that..... ...... i wanted to send u home with happy memories.... but i... failed... stupid me... haiz.... tml.... seem to mean nth now... if i do cry... my tears.... will make no sound...
Posted at 07:39 pm by Yingmujielun
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